So that link to that book that’s going around? I wouldn’t recommend reading it if you’re asexual, especially if you’re also repulsed. There’s some very, very, very problematic language and scenes in it. Or at least, skip the first chapter or so. Let’s say the last two paragraphs of page 28 to about the first two paragraphs or so of page 29.
(This is my submission to the July Carnival of Aces. You can read the submission post here. This month’s theme is “compulsory sexuality.”)
Trigger warnings: Gosh, I’m not entirely sure how to mark this, but, uh, asexual erasure, some discussion of sexual coercion in romantic relationships, mention of corrective sex, actually this post is just generally upsetting (if you have warnings you think should be added to this, please let me know and I will be happy to add them)
Back when I was young (read: 17), naive (well, naive-ish), and dating my first boyfriend, Valentine’s Day rolled around and everyone became completely obsessed with romantic relationships, as people are wont to do around Valentine’s Day. I was used to that by then, but what I wasn’t used to, since this was my first Valentine’s Day with a partner, was that everyone appeared to think that my boyfriend and I were having sex, and kept making innuendos at me and dropping casual comments about the incredibly large amounts of passionate sex my boyfriend and I were almost certainly having. I remarked to an older friend how weird it was that everyone thought my boyfriend and I were having crazy amounts of sex on all the surfaces, and he stared at me and said, “…well, aren’t you?”
“Of course not!” I cried. ”I wouldn’t want to do that to someone I cared about.”
My friend looked profoundly disturbed for a moment and said, “…well, I hope you would.”
…at this point I realized that we were thinking of very different things and clarified, “I’m underage. That would be statutory rape.”
“Oh,” he said, clearly unconvinced. ”Well. I guess so. But still.”
But still you should be having sex with him? But still people are going to assume you’re having sex? But still you should want to have sex with him? I have no idea how that sentence was supposed to end.
In hindsight, I think we can all chalk this anecdote up as Another Awkward Ace Moment for Queenie, but it’s also an illustration of why so many asexuals have trouble (either in theory or in reality) with romantic relationships. With the exception of the very, very young (and I’m talking under 13, here, usually), society assumes that if you are dating, you are having sex. Period. It doesn’t matter if you’re underage and having sex could land your partner in jail—your hormones are so CRAZY INTENSE that you are probably having sex anyway. I have had people tell me, completely seriously, in that I-am-older-than-you-and-have-seen-more-of-the-world-and-am-imparting-my-great-wisdom-to-you tone, that the reason to get married is so “you can have lots of good sex whenever you want it.” Which now makes me scream, “WHAT,” a little bit, but at the time seemed so bizarre and unexplainable that it was just added onto my mental life of Things I Will Understand When I Am Older, right below “what the appeal is in watching Aragorn and Arwen kissing when you could be watching Eowyn being awesome.”
THIS.
So I have a final presentation in my queer/disability studies class, and I’m writing it on asexuality! So if you know of any articles about asexuality, or ESPECIALLY articles related to *BOTH* asexuality *AND* disability (or personal experiences! Feel free to message or email me at rah55m[at]gmail[dot]com if you’re uncomfortable posting it here) or even just asexuality, please send me links! Or tell me stories! Help me do an AWESOME presentation!!! (Pretty please!)
[Details after break]
